ED & PCOS, sittin' in a tree...

Forewarning: I am going to try to shorten my emotions and thoughts for the sake of not writing a novel and to keep interest, but this is by no means exhaustive of signs, symptoms, my story, etc….you’ll see.

“Bulimia nervosa

Bulimia nervosa is characterized by recurrent and frequent episodes of eating unusually large amounts of food and feeling a lack of control over these episodes. This binge-eating is followed by behavior that compensates for the overeating such as forced vomiting, excessive use of laxatives or diuretics, fasting, excessive exercise, or a combination of these behaviors.

Unlike anorexia nervosa, people with bulimia nervosa usually maintain what is considered a healthy or normal weight, while some are slightly overweight. But like people with anorexia nervosa, they often fear gaining weight, want desperately to lose weight, and are intensely unhappy with their body size and shape. Usually, bulimic behavior is done secretly because it is often accompanied by feelings of disgust or shame. The binge-eating and purging cycle happens anywhere from several times a week to many times a day.” (National Institute of Mental Health)

I had ED under control once before, I even sometimes feel I still do; he seems to go away when my husband is home, my day is routine and everything about my life is in control. When ED is gone, I’m content, happy, healthy, and always smiling, making smart choices and loving life. I feel like the sunshine is on me all day.
Most of the time I don’t realize ED is around because my actions are normal. Well, normal for me and that’s all that matters at the time. When ED decides to really being a show boating dude, I’m lonely, restless, confused, and searching for self-love through my body image.

To be completely honest, I had never thought I had a problem. My constant, excessive exercise raised my endorphins and made me happy. Regardless of my daily salad and water a day or my ‘building’ well-rounded diet that seemed to endlessly change from week to week, my exercise would help me lose fat or gain muscle and I thought endorphins were good. My body isn’t exhausted, I’m just weak. Because I am so ‘on-point’ with my diet for so long, having my ritual: when Ken leaves, I spend that night pigging my face out and taking laxatives to make myself feel better- wasn’t the worst I could do and it didn’t make me fat, so my cycle was doing okay to harbor me from feeling any emotion. I may have been stuck on the toilet the entire night, losing sleep and then being sore, in pain and dehydrated the next day but at least I’m not bloated; gah, that would be the worst! I’m rock solid, nothing will make me cry, I’m a Corps wife, I’ve been through this; I get back up into the gym for hours the next day. When I had my home, this would only happen that night of his departures and then, not frequently, well, perhaps once a week. Most of the time, my binging wouldn’t be from pizza and ice cream (although I’ve justified that a time or two) but mostly from ‘healthy foods’ gone bad-gone bad as in, obviously eating too damn much-i.e. a variety of nuts, nut butters, sweet potatoes, or just making one healthy meal (and yes, healthy, as in veggies, lean protein) after another. I have things to do in my day but yet I keep putting them off until I’m done with this meal or do it as I binge. I then tell myself, “not today, not today this won’t happen; I won’t keep it in the house”. Well, not keeping it in the house does help greatly, but ummm…then I get mad that I can’t be normal and end up going out; to me, going out and eating something unhealthy is worse than me binging on a can of nuts, right?! I suppose…..except my mindset isn’t healthy. I always thought this was just ‘yo-yo dieting’ and what happens when my hormones are out of whack (which, by the way, is ….always!) and I thought pounding 8 laxatives in one night was perfectly okay, too, since I couldn’t make myself throw up. But yet, I claim I don’t miss my husband and it doesn’t impact me. So what do I do? I get confused and start changing up my life, my career plans, my fitness goals. I get so lost that I can’t come back and I while I have tried to convince myself that I have…I’ve never gone back to my healthy mindset without ED that I once had for that fleeting moment. I miss it. I put pictures on my lock screen to remind me how healthy my mind, body, spirit, and marriage was but yet the cycle ensues. I moved away from our life because I thought there was nothing there for me and yet, I find myself even more out of control than ever before. I have our babies but if only they could tell me to just stop. The grass is not always greener on the other side and I thank God for a husband that has supported me through all of my erratic behavior through the years. When I am in control, ED is in control. I’d rather be a control freak than have ED.
Confession: I feel like a fraud. A downright fraud to those that I have tried to inspire through living a fit and healthy lifestyle and I am deeply sorry for any misleading. I have come so far away from reality and what makes me a good person, placing my body image as the sole purpose for my living and breathing that I have gone in the opposite direction and now chaos is abound in my life-despite the ever-quiet apartment and mundane life I am living. I feel that when I get back into the classroom, ED will go away and I will be so consumed with my students that it will all be okay and once Ken returns, even if he isn’t with me, he will be back….. so, yes, it could get better again but then what do I do in the mean time? What happens when another curveball comes my way? I get compliments about how awesome I manage mine and my husband’s military life and have endured moving on my own, among many other events and deployments and have finished school and begun my career but yet I cannot get the one thing in control that I want to more than anything.

I feel like I have hit rock bottom with this and have finally looked up the definition. Now, I’m curious how this interplays with my PCOS. Is this common for us? I mean, every woman ‘diets’ or has some unhealthy relationship with food and/or exercise, right? (Well, HOPEFULLY I’m definitely WRONG but that has been my mindset. The concept that what foods I choose will impact my hormones I know, and thus perhaps why, when I went from having my ‘husband leaves emotional fatty time’ on the couch with trash TV binges to healthier binging did I not feel the need to take laxatives and felt less guilty. At the same time, I need help. I know I need to work on my mental health and possibly even go speak with a professional but I find the most comfort in helping other people. If this hits home to anyone, please feel comfortable enough and free to share with me as much or as little as you desire. One day at a time. I will set a game plan as to how I will take control of ED and get rid of him once and for all.

What pre-dep leave can do to you...

...a.k.a. make you 'fluffy'. Yes, I could have easily worked my willpower against the evils of dining out, but I have been learning to take the punches and roll with them to make the best out of them. 1. I might have had several days of food that I would not recommend as a PCOS-friendly diet (too much starchy carbs and lack of portion control) but the difference between my mindset now versus the past is that in the past I would've continued to say, "Oh, tomorrow I'll be back on a strict diet"....and then pig out past my satiated point and the rollercoaster diet cycle ensues. Now, I'll eat a few bites of this naughty food and stop before I feel like I can't get off the couch (I envision myself here with a prego size belly not able to get up without rolling around like a 2 legged dog; I'm weird, whatever...and no I'm not dogging on pregnant ladies, geez even though I don't want kids now, someday I'll be wishing I was rolling around with a babe inside of me when I can't....I like ... & italics today, can you tell? Oh yeah, and my grammar and sentence structure sucks today; ADD day I suppose.) Anyhoo, moral of that story: Yes, I gained some water weight and fat but I made sure I was staying consistent with lifting or working out whenever possible even though pre-deployment has entailed being away from my home, my routines, my house being upside down with projects, and trying to make my husband as relaxed as possible before he has to reside in a living version of Hell again in the coming months. Mind you, he is going to miss football season, big holidays, and birthdays yet again this year; so we are celebrating early, right?!
With that said, I knew after 1 week of this 'carefree' attitude that I was ready to get back on the ball more hardcore and focus back solely on nutrients that my body loooooves. Well, my body must have enjoyed that break because my body is responding better than ever, high intensity lifting sessions, added in some TRX training at home, a slight bit of running to build my endurance back up and cycling my carbs a bit. (One day low, one day moderate, one day high; this isn't an end all-be all approach, it just helps me reduce cravings in the long run if I know I can look forward to more varied food choices the following day.) My muscles look more full and I feel great. I did take a week off of the Metformin when my prescription was up to remember, or really truly recognize, if it was assisting me and I have to admit that the week of not so good food didn't really add the aforementioned 'fluff' until I went off my pills. Disclaimer: I'm purposely took this break so that I don't become dependent on a medication to make me feel less fluffy, but I could definitely tell the insulin spikes were back slightly when off of the medication. I wasn't going to continue with it but had a follow-up with the doc and informed her that I finally lost the negative side effects (mentioned in the last post) so we decided to just see if the positive response ensues for the next few months. I have been back on it for a day and feel amazing thus far; fingers crossed I don't publish this then get nauseous and narcoleptic again...

So, for all you readers that may have those times similar to my pre-deployment celebratory eating, don't forget to stay consistent and listen to your body when it tells you no more. I have found that because PCOS can easily relay into depression for various reasons, when I don't eat PCOS-friendly to a 'T' I only get depressed when I am eating out of emotional disturbance, to clear my mind of thoughts, and truly if I let my mind get the best of me. Never quit, just keep on trucking and never view something as a 'negative', even if it is outside of your norm; just make everything a positive.

Are all my posts sounding too similar...? I'll switch up the next one to something radical, I promise.

Take time to connect.

....and not online! I've gotten comments on my social media & BodySpace pages about being absent from posting in the past month. Reason #1 is truth: I was feeling insecure about the changes going on with my body. It's extremely difficult not to compare ourselves to others, or even what we once looked like. At the end of the day, though, only we can really tell the physical changes (because we nit-pick) and typically what we see of others is altered in some fashion. I was upset with myself for feeling this way because I felt like a hypocrite, trying to promote inner beauty and confidence to other women (and now some very impressionable teenage girls) but yet was allowing myself to hide. Aside from my insecurities, I also have been resting and sleeping....a lot. While I miss working to no end, at this point, I feel blessed to a point that I had the option to rest when my body needed to; which is a lot on these medications. (Reference previous post.) After the initial 2 weeks of really getting adjusted to the new meds, I do feel like I have a handle on them for the most part. I revert back to symptoms of fatigue, nausea and dizziness if I don't eat enough food with them; which is actually hard because my taste buds are way off. Anyway, I do think they are assisting in my insulin levels, for sure. When I'm not drained and eating at proper intervals with them, I recognize a consistent level of energy, rather than prior instances of spikes and crashes. It may help that I have not had a taste for starchy carbohydrates, (or any, really) either. While I have always tried to keep my diet gluten-free and avoid those carbs that will send my body out of whack, we are all human and enjoy something different for time to time. The past month, my husband was away training, and being in the military, oftentimes he goes through a period where he'll have a hankering for restaurant food because he is deprived of food choices on a daily basis.
With that said, I had my first experience with pizza in a long time. Normally after one slice, I feel bloated, hyper then tired, and retain a lot of water the following day; my body does not like dairy and cheese, as that's recommended for almost all with PCOS (to at least not overdo the consumption, obv.). I hadn't been able to eat all day because well, every time I make a smoothie or salad lately, I can't finish it without feeling grossed out. Bizarre. Anyhoo, he had a few pieces the other night and I was not tempted whatsoever (that's a first!) but eventually got hungry and took a few bites....then the whole slice...and he asked me how I felt. Amazingly, not the same as before; so, my silly husband bugged me to eat the other one (Is he trying to fatten me up yo?! No, his claim is that he never sees me indulge and he knows how mental PCOS is for me in 'not being normal'...eff that, we are a special kind of normal!) So, I did...and guess what, it was like I never had pizza at all! I woke up the next morning still with ab definition, (I didn't mention, I've been leaning back out slowly) if not more than the day before! So, I always see fellow bodybuilders bragging about this, doing IIFYM (If it fits your macros), and at least getting to carb cycle and get super jealous because all those approaches don't work so hot for me but I finally got where they are coming from the day after an 'off' meal.. (I don't like the word 'cheat', it is dirty and presents the opportunity for guilt.)
To sum it up: Metformin, you must be doing the trick yo; you have mean side effects and I am not sure how long I will take your daily grumpiness, but thank you for that little moment. If anything, having that moment made me appreciate, even more, the hard work we put into a PCOS-friendly diet, exercising, and practicing meditation. I have always wondered how my body would really respond to my bodybuilding lifestyle if it was 'normal' and I suppose maybe I had a glimpse of that and it was validation of willpower, determination, and greater respect for all the other ladies out there dealing with PCOS. There is no cure, but we can know that every step in the right direction makes us more powerful from the inside-out.
To finish off: the title of my post was intended to describe the time I have been resting, I have taken that time to reconnect with my spirituality on a deeper level and am reflecting through prayer and reading, as well as self-introspection on how I can become a better person for myself, my husband, my family, friends, even those on social media. You never know whose day you may change with the smallest action or word.

Confessions of an Under-eater and Overachiever

A back porch, sunshine on my face, Blender Bottle full of BCAAs sweating from the heat, but a cool breeze of the wind blowing my hair out of my face; what more could a lady ask for? This is me in this moment. Instead of being grateful for the little things in life, I found myself throwing yet another pity party for how stuffed and fluffy I feel. Regardless of my intense leg workout this morning, I still find myself feeling guilty over consuming appropriate amounts of nutrition to gain muscle (hence the title of this entry). After losing an initial mass weightloss over the span of several years, I truly began focusing on only consuming unprocessed foods about 1.5 years ago and it has all been trial and error. This was about the time I discovered what Bodybuilding.com had to offer and researching every bit I could into PCOS and how I should be eating to truly lean out. Mind you, I had thought that I put on a good portion of muscle mass, simply by picking up a weight. My problem: inconsistency with one regimen. Yes, I believe that the body needs to have variety or it will no longer see results, but I’m talking trying absolutely every training program and ‘diet’ out in BroScience land and Endocrinology research websites, trying to strike a balance between being a bodybuilder and living with a hormonal imbalance-atypical of most bodybuilding regimes.

Despite my rambling, I have a point regarding my headline:

After finally completing my first (all-the-way through…not half-assed) 12-week challenge through Bodybuilding.com/BodySpace, I felt AMAZING! I was seeing abs that I had worked so hard for but had never actually seen, but I couldn’t fight the fact that I had not really changed all that much in a 12-week span regardless of the max effort I put in. So, I took a few weeks to decrease my cardio slightly but still lifted in heavy circuits, because I was not about to lose those abs! Well, sure enough, even with clean eating and limited indulgences, my abs were *poof* gone in an instant. I’m still working on figuring out if it’s my sensitivity to carbs or just the fact that my body fat percentage was not low enough. Several weeks after the challenge ended, I was approached in the gym by an older gentleman that recognized my dedication in the gym and volunteered his time to coach me for an upcoming figure show debut. Awesome, right?! It seemed that way for the first few weeks. I was getting my butt kicked but I loved that he said I was eating the right foods and portion sizes and said I would never max out over 1 hour of cardio-ever. (Annoying buzzer sound, here!) Well, sure enough, even me explaining my PCOS to him, he realized I wasn’t dropping weight like ‘most people’ would for the hours of training and food restrictions; so instead of listening to my input of trying high-intensity sprint intervals, he increased my cardio and pretty soon my life was all consumed with this and I soon became miserable. To make a long story short, I got news that a medical surgery took precedence over the show and the coach turned out to be ummm-unprofessional, to say the least- so after intense calorie restriction and all day gym sessions I was left having to have surgery and told to stay out of the gym for several weeks. Oh goody. Despite my long, leisurely walks with my husband and still doing some light cardio when I wasn’t in pain and of course, eating at a calorie deficit; I managed to gain weight right back. During this time I watched one too many of Dr. Layne Norton’s Youtube videos and read up on other bodybuilders and fitness professionals-with scientific degrees- on how to properly treat your body without destroying your mind and body, as I was doing. You see, when I am told to follow a plan, I follow it to a ‘T’, I execute everything with the mindset that it needs to be perfect and if I do not achieve what I envisioned, my psychological state begins to suffer. (PCOS women, you know all too well the cycle of stress from additional cortisol and quick onset of depression. REMEMBER: Stress will only make the fat cling and do NOT let your mind control your happiness!) When I added up how much I was eating on that prep prior to my surgery, I was down to ~800 calories/day, all of chicken, asparagus, and egg whites. Prior to that major deficit, I always thought it was recommended that I stay below 1200 calories/day to lose. Well, if you’re always trying to LOSE, eventually you have no further place to go and your body fights with you to maintain homeostasis. Putting this in perspective: I have been eating under 1200 calories/day (with the exception of family gatherings, holidays, or the occasional treat meal) for the past ummm, I’d say 3 years. Yes, that worked to get initial weight off, but I don’t know how I thought I could ever gain muscle size or cut when I have no surplus to cut from!

Back to me, sitting here fluffy and stuff… Over the past week being back in the gym I have been focusing on lifting some heavy @$$ weight and slowly increased my calories. Even my carbs. I still cannot manage to look in the mirror without being sad about lost abs or the feeling that I cannot stomach the amount of food I should be consuming to put on muscle, but my intent is to be able to stand this amount of food without putting on an excess amount of fat, so that when I do incorporate cardio again (no 2 hour sessions, I’ll be doing sprint intervals, sport activities, and yoga) I have a number to cut down from and know how to properly balance my intake to cut slowly. Perhaps I will utilize BB.com’s Cellucor challenge to lean out a bit so I feel more comfortable at the beach but nothing crazy and I’m pretty sure we’re looking at some muscle gains when my husband deploys again in the fall. I will never subject myself to an unhealthy way of life that only permits rebounds, poor self-esteem, or eating disorders. As much as it pains me not to feel comfortable yet in my bikini on the beach, living in Coastal Carolina, I know it will pay off in the long run. And, hey, my doctor said I shouldn’t be exposing myself to the bacteria from the sand and ocean yet, anyway; backyard kiddie pool with the pups, here I go!

Never forgo your happiness for an extrinsic motivator. Dig deep and know that you truly cannot succeed for long-term until you have intrinsic motivation and a deeper purpose to lead a healthy, balanced life.