ED & PCOS, sittin' in a tree...

Forewarning: I am going to try to shorten my emotions and thoughts for the sake of not writing a novel and to keep interest, but this is by no means exhaustive of signs, symptoms, my story, etc….you’ll see.

“Bulimia nervosa

Bulimia nervosa is characterized by recurrent and frequent episodes of eating unusually large amounts of food and feeling a lack of control over these episodes. This binge-eating is followed by behavior that compensates for the overeating such as forced vomiting, excessive use of laxatives or diuretics, fasting, excessive exercise, or a combination of these behaviors.

Unlike anorexia nervosa, people with bulimia nervosa usually maintain what is considered a healthy or normal weight, while some are slightly overweight. But like people with anorexia nervosa, they often fear gaining weight, want desperately to lose weight, and are intensely unhappy with their body size and shape. Usually, bulimic behavior is done secretly because it is often accompanied by feelings of disgust or shame. The binge-eating and purging cycle happens anywhere from several times a week to many times a day.” (National Institute of Mental Health)

I had ED under control once before, I even sometimes feel I still do; he seems to go away when my husband is home, my day is routine and everything about my life is in control. When ED is gone, I’m content, happy, healthy, and always smiling, making smart choices and loving life. I feel like the sunshine is on me all day.
Most of the time I don’t realize ED is around because my actions are normal. Well, normal for me and that’s all that matters at the time. When ED decides to really being a show boating dude, I’m lonely, restless, confused, and searching for self-love through my body image.

To be completely honest, I had never thought I had a problem. My constant, excessive exercise raised my endorphins and made me happy. Regardless of my daily salad and water a day or my ‘building’ well-rounded diet that seemed to endlessly change from week to week, my exercise would help me lose fat or gain muscle and I thought endorphins were good. My body isn’t exhausted, I’m just weak. Because I am so ‘on-point’ with my diet for so long, having my ritual: when Ken leaves, I spend that night pigging my face out and taking laxatives to make myself feel better- wasn’t the worst I could do and it didn’t make me fat, so my cycle was doing okay to harbor me from feeling any emotion. I may have been stuck on the toilet the entire night, losing sleep and then being sore, in pain and dehydrated the next day but at least I’m not bloated; gah, that would be the worst! I’m rock solid, nothing will make me cry, I’m a Corps wife, I’ve been through this; I get back up into the gym for hours the next day. When I had my home, this would only happen that night of his departures and then, not frequently, well, perhaps once a week. Most of the time, my binging wouldn’t be from pizza and ice cream (although I’ve justified that a time or two) but mostly from ‘healthy foods’ gone bad-gone bad as in, obviously eating too damn much-i.e. a variety of nuts, nut butters, sweet potatoes, or just making one healthy meal (and yes, healthy, as in veggies, lean protein) after another. I have things to do in my day but yet I keep putting them off until I’m done with this meal or do it as I binge. I then tell myself, “not today, not today this won’t happen; I won’t keep it in the house”. Well, not keeping it in the house does help greatly, but ummm…then I get mad that I can’t be normal and end up going out; to me, going out and eating something unhealthy is worse than me binging on a can of nuts, right?! I suppose…..except my mindset isn’t healthy. I always thought this was just ‘yo-yo dieting’ and what happens when my hormones are out of whack (which, by the way, is ….always!) and I thought pounding 8 laxatives in one night was perfectly okay, too, since I couldn’t make myself throw up. But yet, I claim I don’t miss my husband and it doesn’t impact me. So what do I do? I get confused and start changing up my life, my career plans, my fitness goals. I get so lost that I can’t come back and I while I have tried to convince myself that I have…I’ve never gone back to my healthy mindset without ED that I once had for that fleeting moment. I miss it. I put pictures on my lock screen to remind me how healthy my mind, body, spirit, and marriage was but yet the cycle ensues. I moved away from our life because I thought there was nothing there for me and yet, I find myself even more out of control than ever before. I have our babies but if only they could tell me to just stop. The grass is not always greener on the other side and I thank God for a husband that has supported me through all of my erratic behavior through the years. When I am in control, ED is in control. I’d rather be a control freak than have ED.
Confession: I feel like a fraud. A downright fraud to those that I have tried to inspire through living a fit and healthy lifestyle and I am deeply sorry for any misleading. I have come so far away from reality and what makes me a good person, placing my body image as the sole purpose for my living and breathing that I have gone in the opposite direction and now chaos is abound in my life-despite the ever-quiet apartment and mundane life I am living. I feel that when I get back into the classroom, ED will go away and I will be so consumed with my students that it will all be okay and once Ken returns, even if he isn’t with me, he will be back….. so, yes, it could get better again but then what do I do in the mean time? What happens when another curveball comes my way? I get compliments about how awesome I manage mine and my husband’s military life and have endured moving on my own, among many other events and deployments and have finished school and begun my career but yet I cannot get the one thing in control that I want to more than anything.

I feel like I have hit rock bottom with this and have finally looked up the definition. Now, I’m curious how this interplays with my PCOS. Is this common for us? I mean, every woman ‘diets’ or has some unhealthy relationship with food and/or exercise, right? (Well, HOPEFULLY I’m definitely WRONG but that has been my mindset. The concept that what foods I choose will impact my hormones I know, and thus perhaps why, when I went from having my ‘husband leaves emotional fatty time’ on the couch with trash TV binges to healthier binging did I not feel the need to take laxatives and felt less guilty. At the same time, I need help. I know I need to work on my mental health and possibly even go speak with a professional but I find the most comfort in helping other people. If this hits home to anyone, please feel comfortable enough and free to share with me as much or as little as you desire. One day at a time. I will set a game plan as to how I will take control of ED and get rid of him once and for all.

Where do I begin...?

It would be near impossible (without boring the hell out of you) to explain the past month of my life to you, so I will attempt to sum it up and circle back around to something PCOS-related. Mkay?

After my husband being deployed for a week, we finally got a call that a potential tenant wanted to schedule a showing of the house and awesome enough, the day became a gold mine of potentials, leaving the puppies and I on the road, eating egg whites out of the truck and not getting a post-workout shower until late at night. The day was a success, though, and the new tenant was eager to get in asap: a.k.a. Aura, you have to be out of the house in a few days. Say whaaaaat?! Somehow I managed to get everything packed, moved into storage or my vehicle, and cleaned with ample time (thanks to Mike & Amanda for being awesome friends!) and got to the gym most of those few days because I knew it would reduce my anxiety.

So, the house was rented and the pups and I ended up at my Ma's house. It was perfect timing because I was able to spend my brother's birthday week with him and some quality time with my nephew and sister-in-law. Now, I was freaking out quite a bit because honestly, Ken and I did not want to transition from the military back to Ohio. While we love our families and adore the time we have with them, we both agreed that we wanted to move forward with something new in our life, especially with such a huge life change coming. With that said, I (sadly) left my pups with my Ma and drove out to Chicago in search of temp work until I can begin working with Teach For America in the spring. For the past 2 weeks, I have gone to a variety of interviews and finally landed a teaching position that I will begin on Friday! (I still find it ironic that I could not get a professional interview success for the past year in NC but I get here and have multiple opportunities immediately awaiting.) I feel blessed to have my sister here to stay with and she has been awesome but I definitely have not felt like myself.
.....
I have done healthy food prep several times but am thrown off because I'm too afraid to run the blender in the middle of the day when my brother-in-law is sleeping before work, I'm trying to save money so am too cheap to go buy protein because I'm still in sticker shock from coming from a NC budget and military access, I have gone to the gym every single day (and that is a blessing), I am not on an eating schedule because her kitchen is just not what I'm accustom and I feel awkward, etc. etc. etc. I'm really trying hard to stick with a clean diet as much as possible but admittedly, I've had one too many 'off' days in the past 2 weeks. I am not beating myself up about it, but I am worried because they have come about from either a.) staying out too late to be a designated driver or the fact that I went out twice and I never go out or drink so my sleep is lacking, which is a big No-no for me (&PCOS) or b.) I'm depressed.
Phew, that felt like a relief. I don't know if anyone reads this far down but it feels good to have that off my chest. I don't want to share an additional stress with my husband and my sister, while she's an awesome listener, she has recognized it and I fear she will feel guilt for it regardless the fact that it has anything to do with her or not. I have cried more times in the past 2 weeks than I have in the past 2 years...or more. I'm not a crier, typically not emotional, and well, I asked for this right? I'm honestly starting to think that I was too naïve in realizing what life would be life until I have my family back together here. I miss my quiet, boring, country life right now and while I know it will subside soon enough, I can't help but think I've made a mistake uprooting our entire life for the dream of 'making a difference' or 'greater impact'. I feel like I've already matured even more in the sense that I should have listened to my wise husband when he told me that it doesn't matter if I'm in the city because I have already touched so many lives in my young age, even living in a suburban military community. I'm praying everyday for the pieces to fall where they will and that I can keep picking myself back up with an optimistic attitude and healthy lifestyle.

With that said, if you have PCOS, please-I beg of you-try to get those 8 recommended hours of sleep each and every night; you will know when your body is rested and properly performing and you have that positive mindset and little stress that you have gotten a restful night sleep. The stress that many of us PCOSers' have is only magnified when we are lacking sleep and proper nutrition; trust me on this one.

More to come soon enough, as I will be back on the blogging grind with more focused on PCOS recipes and fitness updates-I forgot to mention I'm OFFICIALLY an ACE Certified Personal Trainer, as I passed my exam last week. I would LOVE LOVE LOVE to have clientele with PCOS, as I can understand the frustration with managing weight with this syndrome. If interested, please let me know!
Until next time....
Take time each day to reflect on your personal and professional goals and recognize what truly matters in life.

What pre-dep leave can do to you...

...a.k.a. make you 'fluffy'. Yes, I could have easily worked my willpower against the evils of dining out, but I have been learning to take the punches and roll with them to make the best out of them. 1. I might have had several days of food that I would not recommend as a PCOS-friendly diet (too much starchy carbs and lack of portion control) but the difference between my mindset now versus the past is that in the past I would've continued to say, "Oh, tomorrow I'll be back on a strict diet"....and then pig out past my satiated point and the rollercoaster diet cycle ensues. Now, I'll eat a few bites of this naughty food and stop before I feel like I can't get off the couch (I envision myself here with a prego size belly not able to get up without rolling around like a 2 legged dog; I'm weird, whatever...and no I'm not dogging on pregnant ladies, geez even though I don't want kids now, someday I'll be wishing I was rolling around with a babe inside of me when I can't....I like ... & italics today, can you tell? Oh yeah, and my grammar and sentence structure sucks today; ADD day I suppose.) Anyhoo, moral of that story: Yes, I gained some water weight and fat but I made sure I was staying consistent with lifting or working out whenever possible even though pre-deployment has entailed being away from my home, my routines, my house being upside down with projects, and trying to make my husband as relaxed as possible before he has to reside in a living version of Hell again in the coming months. Mind you, he is going to miss football season, big holidays, and birthdays yet again this year; so we are celebrating early, right?!
With that said, I knew after 1 week of this 'carefree' attitude that I was ready to get back on the ball more hardcore and focus back solely on nutrients that my body loooooves. Well, my body must have enjoyed that break because my body is responding better than ever, high intensity lifting sessions, added in some TRX training at home, a slight bit of running to build my endurance back up and cycling my carbs a bit. (One day low, one day moderate, one day high; this isn't an end all-be all approach, it just helps me reduce cravings in the long run if I know I can look forward to more varied food choices the following day.) My muscles look more full and I feel great. I did take a week off of the Metformin when my prescription was up to remember, or really truly recognize, if it was assisting me and I have to admit that the week of not so good food didn't really add the aforementioned 'fluff' until I went off my pills. Disclaimer: I'm purposely took this break so that I don't become dependent on a medication to make me feel less fluffy, but I could definitely tell the insulin spikes were back slightly when off of the medication. I wasn't going to continue with it but had a follow-up with the doc and informed her that I finally lost the negative side effects (mentioned in the last post) so we decided to just see if the positive response ensues for the next few months. I have been back on it for a day and feel amazing thus far; fingers crossed I don't publish this then get nauseous and narcoleptic again...

So, for all you readers that may have those times similar to my pre-deployment celebratory eating, don't forget to stay consistent and listen to your body when it tells you no more. I have found that because PCOS can easily relay into depression for various reasons, when I don't eat PCOS-friendly to a 'T' I only get depressed when I am eating out of emotional disturbance, to clear my mind of thoughts, and truly if I let my mind get the best of me. Never quit, just keep on trucking and never view something as a 'negative', even if it is outside of your norm; just make everything a positive.

Are all my posts sounding too similar...? I'll switch up the next one to something radical, I promise.

Metformin...sh** just got real!

I've been down and out for a bit. My hormones have always played a huge role in my mood, obviously, and I cannot say it helps being a military spouse. Even with the removal of my tumors last month, I still managed to keep an intense workout regimen (of course, I semi-listened to the doctor on recoup periods but I was not in pain, anyway) and actually rather on point with my food intake, but not obsessing over it and enjoying family time or the rare times out of the house. Yes, I was a bit thicker but I was using that extra bit to lift heavier. No bigs, right? Well, I thought not...until my husband left for training and I tightened my diet and put more HIIT cardio into my routines. Mind you: the last time I incorporated this same amount of HIIT, I was getting ripped pretty quickly. Nonetheless, somehow I managed to continue gaining and I realized I was definitely losing hard earned muscle. For the matters of health, I had been keeping a slightly lower intake of animal proteins, but nothing extravagant. My diet extremely PCOS friendly but yet, I could just FEEL myself out of whack; I am not typically an emotional person and I was crying, stressing, and confused about so much that was trivial and don't get me started on my damn mustache! Okay, okay, sob story over, I was proactive and made an appointment to discuss more endocrinology.
In the past, I have tried Hormone Replacement Therapy (progestin, chlomid, femara) and while I was not trying to conceive, my Doc wanted to see if these would help regulate my cycles, hence seeing if ovulatory function was even possible. My body reacted horribly, feeling like it went through menopause but yet the medication did not work for me but once. With that said, I said EFFFFFFFF feeling like a crazy lady (right, right!?) and really tried hard at the all-natural approach, simply healing through food, meditation, exercise, and only several herbal supplements to enhance proper function. Well, I haven't had a period in all that time and I have not been on a medication for nearly 2 years now.
Turns out, something in this crazy world of PCOS decided to trigger my hormones in another weird direction and I caved to TRYING, key word TRYING out a month of Metformin & Spiro. I can't even lie, just saying I'm on these suddenly makes me feel like part of this PCOS community all of a sudden. Sounds stupid, right? Since joining communities and reading educational studies on PCOS, I have constantly found and witnessed all these women on Metformin, but I was convinced that that was not for me because I did not think I had insulin resistance nor am I actively TTC. I've always been more of the, "eeehhhh what happens, happens" type of lady. So, to be on this stuff now, yes, yes, sh** just got real in the Sklenicka household! (I'm sure Ken will be happy he's not home for a while...) First 2 days review thus far: I've never NOT been thus UN-hungry. I can't lie on this either folks, I love to eat (be honest, who doesn't!?) and while I know how to eat clean and keep within my macro/kcal limits, these pills make me disgusted by even my favorite most tempting, colorful salad arrangement or (gasp) nut butter! I've been forcing some food in and trying to workout, although I feel fatigued rather quickly and thus my strength is down. Nausea was listed as a #1 side effect and ya, it isn't too bad but my digestive system has been making some funny sounds.....and I blame it on the dogs?! :-0  I have recently heard of Glucosmart and Glucocerin, which I am told are all-natural, which I'd prefer, but unfortunately I am sure are NOT covered by my healthcare. I'll dig deeper, though.
So, after this novel of a damn post, I was writing with an old friend and she made a comment on me having it rough these days; to which I replied, "More stories to add to the book of life!" It can be frustrating having issues that no one understands because they may not be visible to the naked eye and we can be on a rollercoaster of weight loss to weight gain, or even lose something so precious to our future (material or non) but at the end of the day, those build our character and make us stronger. God would not give us anything that He did not think we couldn't endure.

Oooh that pesky thing called STRESS!

PCOS Tip of the Day

  Choosing High-intensity Interval Training (HIIT) over medium-maximal prolonged cardio can increase your resting metabolic rate, aid in muscle building, and has a lessened effect on rising cortisol levels! Many women with PCOS (myself being one) have the symptom of amenorrhea, or lack of a menstrual cycle, and it has been shown that this is exacerbated when the heart rate is elevated for long durations. Research study can be found,here. So: hit the track, your backyard, or a piece of cardio equipment and train like an athlete.  Short burst of high-intensity, mixed with some bodyweight exercises or a medium-intensity and then rest and repeat several more times; this will allow you to get the benefits mentioned above and you won’t spend hours in the gym wrecking yourself while you think you’re doing something healthy. *Note: I speak from experience, as I had once done 1 hour+ of cardio on the treadmill or stepper every day and actually ended up gaining weight and my hormones went ALL out of whack!