A back porch, sunshine on my
face, Blender Bottle full of BCAAs sweating from the heat, but a cool breeze of
the wind blowing my hair out of my face; what more could a lady ask for? This
is me in this moment. Instead of being grateful for the little things in life,
I found myself throwing yet another pity party for how stuffed and fluffy I
feel. Regardless of my intense leg workout this morning, I still find myself
feeling guilty over consuming appropriate amounts of nutrition to gain muscle
(hence the title of this entry). After losing an initial mass weightloss over
the span of several years, I truly began focusing on only consuming unprocessed
foods about 1.5 years ago and it has all been trial and error. This was about
the time I discovered what Bodybuilding.com had to offer and researching every
bit I could into PCOS and how I should be eating to truly lean out. Mind you, I
had thought that I put on a good portion of muscle mass, simply by picking up a
weight. My problem: inconsistency with one regimen. Yes, I believe that the
body needs to have variety or it will no longer see results, but I’m talking
trying absolutely every training program and ‘diet’ out in BroScience land and
Endocrinology research websites, trying to strike a balance between being a
bodybuilder and living with a hormonal imbalance-atypical of most bodybuilding
regimes.
Despite my rambling, I have a
point regarding my headline:
After finally completing my first
(all-the-way through…not half-assed) 12-week challenge through
Bodybuilding.com/BodySpace, I felt AMAZING! I was seeing abs that I had worked
so hard for but had never actually seen, but I couldn’t fight the fact that I
had not really changed all that much in a 12-week span regardless of the max
effort I put in. So, I took a few weeks to decrease my cardio slightly but
still lifted in heavy circuits, because I was not about to lose those abs!
Well, sure enough, even with clean eating and limited indulgences, my abs were
*poof* gone in an instant. I’m still working on figuring out if it’s my
sensitivity to carbs or just the fact that my body fat percentage was not low
enough. Several weeks after the challenge ended, I was approached in the gym by
an older gentleman that recognized my dedication in the gym and volunteered his
time to coach me for an upcoming figure show debut. Awesome, right?! It seemed
that way for the first few weeks. I was getting my butt kicked but I loved that
he said I was eating the right foods and portion sizes and said I would never
max out over 1 hour of cardio-ever. (Annoying buzzer sound, here!) Well, sure
enough, even me explaining my PCOS to him, he realized I wasn’t dropping weight
like ‘most people’ would for the hours of training and food restrictions; so
instead of listening to my input of trying high-intensity sprint intervals, he
increased my cardio and pretty soon my life was all consumed with this and I
soon became miserable. To make a long story short, I got news that a medical
surgery took precedence over the show and the coach turned out to be
ummm-unprofessional, to say the least- so after intense calorie restriction and
all day gym sessions I was left having to have surgery and told to stay out of
the gym for several weeks. Oh goody. Despite my long, leisurely walks with my
husband and still doing some light cardio when I wasn’t in pain and of course,
eating at a calorie deficit; I managed to gain weight right back. During this
time I watched one too many of Dr. Layne Norton’s Youtube videos and read up on
other bodybuilders and fitness professionals-with scientific degrees- on how to
properly treat your body without destroying your mind and body, as I was doing.
You see, when I am told to follow a plan, I follow it to a ‘T’, I execute
everything with the mindset that it needs to be perfect and if I do not achieve
what I envisioned, my psychological state begins to suffer. (PCOS women, you
know all too well the cycle of stress from additional cortisol and quick onset
of depression. REMEMBER: Stress will only make the fat cling and do NOT let
your mind control your happiness!) When I added up how much I was eating on
that prep prior to my surgery, I was down to ~800 calories/day, all of chicken,
asparagus, and egg whites. Prior to that major deficit, I always thought it was
recommended that I stay below 1200 calories/day to lose. Well, if you’re always
trying to LOSE, eventually you have no further place to go and your body fights
with you to maintain homeostasis. Putting this in perspective: I have been
eating under 1200 calories/day (with the exception of family gatherings,
holidays, or the occasional treat meal) for the past ummm, I’d say 3 years.
Yes, that worked to get initial weight off, but I don’t know how I thought I
could ever gain muscle size or cut when I have no surplus to cut from!
Back to me, sitting here fluffy
and stuff… Over the past week being back in the gym I have been focusing on
lifting some heavy @$$ weight and slowly increased my calories. Even my carbs.
I still cannot manage to look in the mirror without being sad about lost abs or
the feeling that I cannot stomach the amount of food I should be consuming to
put on muscle, but my intent is to be able to stand this amount of food without
putting on an excess amount of fat, so that when I do incorporate cardio again
(no 2 hour sessions, I’ll be doing sprint intervals, sport activities, and
yoga) I have a number to cut down from and know how to properly balance my
intake to cut slowly. Perhaps I will utilize BB.com’s Cellucor challenge to
lean out a bit so I feel more comfortable at the beach but nothing crazy and I’m
pretty sure we’re looking at some muscle gains when my husband deploys again in
the fall. I will never subject myself to an unhealthy way of life that only
permits rebounds, poor self-esteem, or eating disorders. As much as it pains me
not to feel comfortable yet in my bikini on the beach, living in Coastal
Carolina, I know it will pay off in the long run. And, hey, my doctor said I
shouldn’t be exposing myself to the bacteria from the sand and ocean yet,
anyway; backyard kiddie pool with the pups, here I go!
Never forgo your happiness for an
extrinsic motivator. Dig deep and know that you truly cannot succeed for
long-term until you have intrinsic motivation and a deeper purpose to lead a
healthy, balanced life.
