Forewarning: I
am going to try to shorten my emotions and thoughts for the sake of not writing
a novel and to keep interest, but this is by no means exhaustive of signs,
symptoms, my story, etc….you’ll see.
“Bulimia
nervosa
Bulimia nervosa
is characterized by recurrent and frequent episodes of eating unusually large
amounts of food and feeling a lack of control over these episodes. This
binge-eating is followed by behavior that compensates for the overeating such
as forced vomiting, excessive use of laxatives or diuretics, fasting, excessive
exercise, or a combination of these behaviors.
Unlike anorexia
nervosa, people with bulimia nervosa usually maintain what is considered a
healthy or normal weight, while some are slightly overweight. But like people
with anorexia nervosa, they often fear gaining weight, want desperately to lose
weight, and are intensely unhappy with their body size and shape. Usually,
bulimic behavior is done secretly because it is often accompanied by feelings
of disgust or shame. The binge-eating and purging cycle happens anywhere from
several times a week to many times a day.” (National
Institute of Mental Health)
I had ED under
control once before, I even sometimes feel I still do; he seems to go away when
my husband is home, my day is routine and everything about my life is in
control. When ED is gone, I’m content, happy, healthy, and always smiling,
making smart choices and loving life. I feel like the sunshine is on me all
day.Most of the time I don’t realize ED is around because my actions are normal. Well, normal for me and that’s all that matters at the time. When ED decides to really being a show boating dude, I’m lonely, restless, confused, and searching for self-love through my body image.
To be completely honest, I had never thought I had a problem. My constant, excessive exercise raised my endorphins and made me happy. Regardless of my daily salad and water a day or my ‘building’ well-rounded diet that seemed to endlessly change from week to week, my exercise would help me lose fat or gain muscle and I thought endorphins were good. My body isn’t exhausted, I’m just weak. Because I am so ‘on-point’ with my diet for so long, having my ritual: when Ken leaves, I spend that night pigging my face out and taking laxatives to make myself feel better- wasn’t the worst I could do and it didn’t make me fat, so my cycle was doing okay to harbor me from feeling any emotion. I may have been stuck on the toilet the entire night, losing sleep and then being sore, in pain and dehydrated the next day but at least I’m not bloated; gah, that would be the worst! I’m rock solid, nothing will make me cry, I’m a Corps wife, I’ve been through this; I get back up into the gym for hours the next day. When I had my home, this would only happen that night of his departures and then, not frequently, well, perhaps once a week. Most of the time, my binging wouldn’t be from pizza and ice cream (although I’ve justified that a time or two) but mostly from ‘healthy foods’ gone bad-gone bad as in, obviously eating too damn much-i.e. a variety of nuts, nut butters, sweet potatoes, or just making one healthy meal (and yes, healthy, as in veggies, lean protein) after another. I have things to do in my day but yet I keep putting them off until I’m done with this meal or do it as I binge. I then tell myself, “not today, not today this won’t happen; I won’t keep it in the house”. Well, not keeping it in the house does help greatly, but ummm…then I get mad that I can’t be normal and end up going out; to me, going out and eating something unhealthy is worse than me binging on a can of nuts, right?! I suppose…..except my mindset isn’t healthy. I always thought this was just ‘yo-yo dieting’ and what happens when my hormones are out of whack (which, by the way, is ….always!) and I thought pounding 8 laxatives in one night was perfectly okay, too, since I couldn’t make myself throw up. But yet, I claim I don’t miss my husband and it doesn’t impact me. So what do I do? I get confused and start changing up my life, my career plans, my fitness goals. I get so lost that I can’t come back and I while I have tried to convince myself that I have…I’ve never gone back to my healthy mindset without ED that I once had for that fleeting moment. I miss it. I put pictures on my lock screen to remind me how healthy my mind, body, spirit, and marriage was but yet the cycle ensues. I moved away from our life because I thought there was nothing there for me and yet, I find myself even more out of control than ever before. I have our babies but if only they could tell me to just stop. The grass is not always greener on the other side and I thank God for a husband that has supported me through all of my erratic behavior through the years. When I am in control, ED is in control. I’d rather be a control freak than have ED.
Confession: I feel like a fraud. A downright fraud to those that I have tried to inspire through living a fit and healthy lifestyle and I am deeply sorry for any misleading. I have come so far away from reality and what makes me a good person, placing my body image as the sole purpose for my living and breathing that I have gone in the opposite direction and now chaos is abound in my life-despite the ever-quiet apartment and mundane life I am living. I feel that when I get back into the classroom, ED will go away and I will be so consumed with my students that it will all be okay and once Ken returns, even if he isn’t with me, he will be back….. so, yes, it could get better again but then what do I do in the mean time? What happens when another curveball comes my way? I get compliments about how awesome I manage mine and my husband’s military life and have endured moving on my own, among many other events and deployments and have finished school and begun my career but yet I cannot get the one thing in control that I want to more than anything.
I feel like I have hit rock bottom with this and have finally looked up the definition. Now, I’m curious how this interplays with my PCOS. Is this common for us? I mean, every woman ‘diets’ or has some unhealthy relationship with food and/or exercise, right? (Well, HOPEFULLY I’m definitely WRONG but that has been my mindset. The concept that what foods I choose will impact my hormones I know, and thus perhaps why, when I went from having my ‘husband leaves emotional fatty time’ on the couch with trash TV binges to healthier binging did I not feel the need to take laxatives and felt less guilty. At the same time, I need help. I know I need to work on my mental health and possibly even go speak with a professional but I find the most comfort in helping other people. If this hits home to anyone, please feel comfortable enough and free to share with me as much or as little as you desire. One day at a time. I will set a game plan as to how I will take control of ED and get rid of him once and for all.
