Finding clarity.
Whether or not you have PCOS, it can be rather easy to
succumb to the feelings of anxiety and depression in the fast-paced,
money-driven, obligatory world that we live. First, feelings of stress and
anxiety raise cortisol levels. Which, in turn, cause our bodies to respond in ‘fight
or flight’, thus storing fat…aka stress hormones are a huge reason women that
diet and exercise cannot lose fat, especially around the midsection. Secondly,
if you stop and take a minute to step back from your anxious thoughts, you may
question, “Why the hell do I even care?”.
Aside from amenorrhea, I have to say that my feelings of
being anxious are my worst symptom of PCOS. Honestly, it doesn’t help that my ‘calm’
(my husband) is always deployed. When we are in the groove and he is home, he
knows my triggers and works through it with me and makes me laugh, takes
meditative walks with me and the dogs, and reminds me that there is absolutely
nothing in this world worth stressing over so much that I cannot function. What
is your ‘calm’?
Well, lately, this has been me: preparing for a long-ass
move down to Texas with the dogs and more money being spent, starting a new
life, being afraid of change (but yet loving the idea of it!), fearful of
failing, being scared of success, even and feeling overwhelmed with meeting
everyone’s expectations, spending enough time with certain people, losing the
fat that I’ve gained in the past few months of ‘bulking’ (there better be as
much damn muscle under there as I think, given my dedication) and still
struggling to meet a healthy relationship with food. Do you find yourself
indecisive? This is the one quality in myself that I have been working on
extensively and deeply since last summer. It frustrates me and I have now come
to realize that I do it due to my feelings of fear. Funny thing? When I step
back from all those negative feelings, I realize that I have accomplished a lot
and that my self-worth should not be viewed as, nor determined, by how I look
on the outside or how much money I can make. Since these two topics seem to
revolve in my life, I have to remember that I started lifting and living
healthy to be just that: healthy!
I wanted to cure my PCOS naturally and yes, look amazing. I
think my big trigger toward negativity came when I chose to compete in
bodybuilding shows because since then I have been back on that negative relationship.
Being told that I have to eat certain foods that trigger my symptoms just in
order to utilize the beautiful suit I purchased and stress about getting that
perfect v-taper down, somewhere I lost why I began. That stress set me back
from where I came; I remember a year ago I was starting the Bodybuilding.com
transformation challenge; I had already come a long way in my journey but did
want to have more visible muscle but guess what? I never stopped loving myself
and felt amazing eating intuitively and yes, clean, healthy PCOS friendly foods
and dissed any ‘coach’ that told me what to eat….how the hell did I lose that
happy feeling of being free to do with my body what I want? With that said, I
have chosen to reduce that stressor from my path at the moment. I may sell my
beautiful suit to even just get that out of my mind and I can bet you that I
will probably be back down in weight and a healthy relationship with food and
yes-probably-wanting to compete by this summer but I cannot have that as my
sole reason anymore. I totally digressed, though, but I have realized how much
I allow this to consume my life. Guess what? I took my little brother to the
gym with me today after eating froyo (totally made me bloated, and I wouldn’t
recommend but I’m leaving him soon so we went out after his bball game and I didn’t
beat myself up) but I went through my planned leg routine while he bounced
around, spotted me some, and we were silly, went to play bball upstairs and I
felt that freedom high again. I have not stopped loving the gym but I prefer to
be a free spirit and do what feels good in the moment when it comes to the
leisure aspects of my life.
Now, in the other aspect: $.... I almost forgot why I love being in the classroom: if I
can end my day knowing that I have influenced at least one person, student, in
a positive way that day then I have succeeded. It will be a rough year with my
husband leaving the Marine Corps and that is why I feel the pressure of saving,
saving, saving, but oh yea, GUESS WHAT? There is always going to be somewhere where
we are going to spend our money and I have faith that my hard work ethic and
ambition to succeed (and my hub’s amazing dedication) will lead us directly
where we need to be in life, when we need to be there. We cannot jump to the
future and I do not want to be living each day just hoping to get to the next
because that is not true living. Now, this was super-stressing me out
yesterday, on top of having to count my macros….which is another aspect that
actually makes me run the other way
of dieting; I guess I don’t do well with restrictions placed on me but I’m cool
making them on myself.
You know that feeling when all of a sudden you feel like
your heart is going to pump out of your chest, your thoughts get confused, and
you question everything going on in your life, even your current actions? I’m
getting anxious just thinking of it. It makes me want to scream, cry, hide, and
eat, or possibly puke. Just being honest. Depending on the circumstance, this
happens less or more; not the point. Since I don’t have my ‘calm’, what do I
now rely on? Yoga or meditation. In the past, I would go online and track
others’ lives via social media, as if that would make me feel better…? No, not.
Comparison makes it worse. Yoga is a general practice for me but I am newly
trying meditation, in itself, aside from my yoga practice. Oh, my word. You
will feel renewed. Well, last night, I knew I needed clarity. Period. I needed
to sift out all the negative junk in my brain and realize the positive,
bountiful spirit within myself that is capable of anything and in control of my
feelings. I will not let my hormones dictate my happiness. After searching, ‘meditation
for clarity’, I found this amazing
YouTube video; take the time, focus inward, do the poses and forget about
any pain, cry it out if you need to but enjoy the experience. And, I am
finished rambling for now. Please, find time this weekend to meditate. You will
thank me (I hope)! J
