ED & PCOS, sittin' in a tree...

Forewarning: I am going to try to shorten my emotions and thoughts for the sake of not writing a novel and to keep interest, but this is by no means exhaustive of signs, symptoms, my story, etc….you’ll see.

“Bulimia nervosa

Bulimia nervosa is characterized by recurrent and frequent episodes of eating unusually large amounts of food and feeling a lack of control over these episodes. This binge-eating is followed by behavior that compensates for the overeating such as forced vomiting, excessive use of laxatives or diuretics, fasting, excessive exercise, or a combination of these behaviors.

Unlike anorexia nervosa, people with bulimia nervosa usually maintain what is considered a healthy or normal weight, while some are slightly overweight. But like people with anorexia nervosa, they often fear gaining weight, want desperately to lose weight, and are intensely unhappy with their body size and shape. Usually, bulimic behavior is done secretly because it is often accompanied by feelings of disgust or shame. The binge-eating and purging cycle happens anywhere from several times a week to many times a day.” (National Institute of Mental Health)

I had ED under control once before, I even sometimes feel I still do; he seems to go away when my husband is home, my day is routine and everything about my life is in control. When ED is gone, I’m content, happy, healthy, and always smiling, making smart choices and loving life. I feel like the sunshine is on me all day.
Most of the time I don’t realize ED is around because my actions are normal. Well, normal for me and that’s all that matters at the time. When ED decides to really being a show boating dude, I’m lonely, restless, confused, and searching for self-love through my body image.

To be completely honest, I had never thought I had a problem. My constant, excessive exercise raised my endorphins and made me happy. Regardless of my daily salad and water a day or my ‘building’ well-rounded diet that seemed to endlessly change from week to week, my exercise would help me lose fat or gain muscle and I thought endorphins were good. My body isn’t exhausted, I’m just weak. Because I am so ‘on-point’ with my diet for so long, having my ritual: when Ken leaves, I spend that night pigging my face out and taking laxatives to make myself feel better- wasn’t the worst I could do and it didn’t make me fat, so my cycle was doing okay to harbor me from feeling any emotion. I may have been stuck on the toilet the entire night, losing sleep and then being sore, in pain and dehydrated the next day but at least I’m not bloated; gah, that would be the worst! I’m rock solid, nothing will make me cry, I’m a Corps wife, I’ve been through this; I get back up into the gym for hours the next day. When I had my home, this would only happen that night of his departures and then, not frequently, well, perhaps once a week. Most of the time, my binging wouldn’t be from pizza and ice cream (although I’ve justified that a time or two) but mostly from ‘healthy foods’ gone bad-gone bad as in, obviously eating too damn much-i.e. a variety of nuts, nut butters, sweet potatoes, or just making one healthy meal (and yes, healthy, as in veggies, lean protein) after another. I have things to do in my day but yet I keep putting them off until I’m done with this meal or do it as I binge. I then tell myself, “not today, not today this won’t happen; I won’t keep it in the house”. Well, not keeping it in the house does help greatly, but ummm…then I get mad that I can’t be normal and end up going out; to me, going out and eating something unhealthy is worse than me binging on a can of nuts, right?! I suppose…..except my mindset isn’t healthy. I always thought this was just ‘yo-yo dieting’ and what happens when my hormones are out of whack (which, by the way, is ….always!) and I thought pounding 8 laxatives in one night was perfectly okay, too, since I couldn’t make myself throw up. But yet, I claim I don’t miss my husband and it doesn’t impact me. So what do I do? I get confused and start changing up my life, my career plans, my fitness goals. I get so lost that I can’t come back and I while I have tried to convince myself that I have…I’ve never gone back to my healthy mindset without ED that I once had for that fleeting moment. I miss it. I put pictures on my lock screen to remind me how healthy my mind, body, spirit, and marriage was but yet the cycle ensues. I moved away from our life because I thought there was nothing there for me and yet, I find myself even more out of control than ever before. I have our babies but if only they could tell me to just stop. The grass is not always greener on the other side and I thank God for a husband that has supported me through all of my erratic behavior through the years. When I am in control, ED is in control. I’d rather be a control freak than have ED.
Confession: I feel like a fraud. A downright fraud to those that I have tried to inspire through living a fit and healthy lifestyle and I am deeply sorry for any misleading. I have come so far away from reality and what makes me a good person, placing my body image as the sole purpose for my living and breathing that I have gone in the opposite direction and now chaos is abound in my life-despite the ever-quiet apartment and mundane life I am living. I feel that when I get back into the classroom, ED will go away and I will be so consumed with my students that it will all be okay and once Ken returns, even if he isn’t with me, he will be back….. so, yes, it could get better again but then what do I do in the mean time? What happens when another curveball comes my way? I get compliments about how awesome I manage mine and my husband’s military life and have endured moving on my own, among many other events and deployments and have finished school and begun my career but yet I cannot get the one thing in control that I want to more than anything.

I feel like I have hit rock bottom with this and have finally looked up the definition. Now, I’m curious how this interplays with my PCOS. Is this common for us? I mean, every woman ‘diets’ or has some unhealthy relationship with food and/or exercise, right? (Well, HOPEFULLY I’m definitely WRONG but that has been my mindset. The concept that what foods I choose will impact my hormones I know, and thus perhaps why, when I went from having my ‘husband leaves emotional fatty time’ on the couch with trash TV binges to healthier binging did I not feel the need to take laxatives and felt less guilty. At the same time, I need help. I know I need to work on my mental health and possibly even go speak with a professional but I find the most comfort in helping other people. If this hits home to anyone, please feel comfortable enough and free to share with me as much or as little as you desire. One day at a time. I will set a game plan as to how I will take control of ED and get rid of him once and for all.

Clarity.

Finding clarity.

Whether or not you have PCOS, it can be rather easy to succumb to the feelings of anxiety and depression in the fast-paced, money-driven, obligatory world that we live. First, feelings of stress and anxiety raise cortisol levels. Which, in turn, cause our bodies to respond in ‘fight or flight’, thus storing fat…aka stress hormones are a huge reason women that diet and exercise cannot lose fat, especially around the midsection. Secondly, if you stop and take a minute to step back from your anxious thoughts, you may question, “Why the hell do I even care?”.

Aside from amenorrhea, I have to say that my feelings of being anxious are my worst symptom of PCOS. Honestly, it doesn’t help that my ‘calm’ (my husband) is always deployed. When we are in the groove and he is home, he knows my triggers and works through it with me and makes me laugh, takes meditative walks with me and the dogs, and reminds me that there is absolutely nothing in this world worth stressing over so much that I cannot function. What is your ‘calm’?

Well, lately, this has been me: preparing for a long-ass move down to Texas with the dogs and more money being spent, starting a new life, being afraid of change (but yet loving the idea of it!), fearful of failing, being scared of success, even and feeling overwhelmed with meeting everyone’s expectations, spending enough time with certain people, losing the fat that I’ve gained in the past few months of ‘bulking’ (there better be as much damn muscle under there as I think, given my dedication) and still struggling to meet a healthy relationship with food. Do you find yourself indecisive? This is the one quality in myself that I have been working on extensively and deeply since last summer. It frustrates me and I have now come to realize that I do it due to my feelings of fear. Funny thing? When I step back from all those negative feelings, I realize that I have accomplished a lot and that my self-worth should not be viewed as, nor determined, by how I look on the outside or how much money I can make. Since these two topics seem to revolve in my life, I have to remember that I started lifting and living healthy to be just that: healthy!

I wanted to cure my PCOS naturally and yes, look amazing. I think my big trigger toward negativity came when I chose to compete in bodybuilding shows because since then I have been back on that negative relationship. Being told that I have to eat certain foods that trigger my symptoms just in order to utilize the beautiful suit I purchased and stress about getting that perfect v-taper down, somewhere I lost why I began. That stress set me back from where I came; I remember a year ago I was starting the Bodybuilding.com transformation challenge; I had already come a long way in my journey but did want to have more visible muscle but guess what? I never stopped loving myself and felt amazing eating intuitively and yes, clean, healthy PCOS friendly foods and dissed any ‘coach’ that told me what to eat….how the hell did I lose that happy feeling of being free to do with my body what I want? With that said, I have chosen to reduce that stressor from my path at the moment. I may sell my beautiful suit to even just get that out of my mind and I can bet you that I will probably be back down in weight and a healthy relationship with food and yes-probably-wanting to compete by this summer but I cannot have that as my sole reason anymore. I totally digressed, though, but I have realized how much I allow this to consume my life. Guess what? I took my little brother to the gym with me today after eating froyo (totally made me bloated, and I wouldn’t recommend but I’m leaving him soon so we went out after his bball game and I didn’t beat myself up) but I went through my planned leg routine while he bounced around, spotted me some, and we were silly, went to play bball upstairs and I felt that freedom high again. I have not stopped loving the gym but I prefer to be a free spirit and do what feels good in the moment when it comes to the leisure aspects of my life.

Now, in the other aspect: $.... I almost forgot why I love being in the classroom: if I can end my day knowing that I have influenced at least one person, student, in a positive way that day then I have succeeded. It will be a rough year with my husband leaving the Marine Corps and that is why I feel the pressure of saving, saving, saving, but oh yea, GUESS WHAT? There is always going to be somewhere where we are going to spend our money and I have faith that my hard work ethic and ambition to succeed (and my hub’s amazing dedication) will lead us directly where we need to be in life, when we need to be there. We cannot jump to the future and I do not want to be living each day just hoping to get to the next because that is not true living. Now, this was super-stressing me out yesterday, on top of having to count my macros….which is another aspect that actually makes me run the other way of dieting; I guess I don’t do well with restrictions placed on me but I’m cool making them on myself.

You know that feeling when all of a sudden you feel like your heart is going to pump out of your chest, your thoughts get confused, and you question everything going on in your life, even your current actions? I’m getting anxious just thinking of it. It makes me want to scream, cry, hide, and eat, or possibly puke. Just being honest. Depending on the circumstance, this happens less or more; not the point. Since I don’t have my ‘calm’, what do I now rely on? Yoga or meditation. In the past, I would go online and track others’ lives via social media, as if that would make me feel better…? No, not. Comparison makes it worse. Yoga is a general practice for me but I am newly trying meditation, in itself, aside from my yoga practice. Oh, my word. You will feel renewed. Well, last night, I knew I needed clarity. Period. I needed to sift out all the negative junk in my brain and realize the positive, bountiful spirit within myself that is capable of anything and in control of my feelings. I will not let my hormones dictate my happiness. After searching, ‘meditation for clarity’, I found this amazing YouTube video; take the time, focus inward, do the poses and forget about any pain, cry it out if you need to but enjoy the experience. And, I am finished rambling for now. Please, find time this weekend to meditate. You will thank me (I hope)! J

My Journey to Raw(ish), Vegan(ish): Healthy Mind, Body, Spirit: Part 1

Disclaimer: This is written as a journal. Please forgive any grammatical or spelling errors, as I will simply be writing directly from memory and at times, a rushed perspective. This is intended to share my experience and how this impacts my symptoms of PCOS, health and general well-being and is not intended to be utilized as a meal plan.

First Week, cut out: grains, nut butter, chicken

Monday: Coffee with sugar free creamer. Strawberries, some apple, almond milk, Garden of Life protein, strawberry acai coconut Kevita, mixed greens smoothie. Banana, supergreens, greens, protein powder smoothie. 1 Coconut cashew Quest bar, mixed nuts, salad with cucumber, green pepper, cherry tomatoes, sunflower seeds, red wine and apple cider vinegar.

A.M.: Bloated, blah, little gym energy or motivation but pushed through. Some acne on chin.

P.M. Tired.

Tuesday: Same coffee. Similar morning smoothie, minus kombucha. Banana, strawberries, mixed nuts post-wo. ½ Quest Nutrition bar, GOL cacao raw super foods with almond milk. Cauli, brocc., carrot, sugar snaps with 2 vegetarian fed eggs.

A.M. Slept harder night before, bit more zest in my wakeup, excited to drink smoothie and get to the gym asap.  Less bloat.

P.M. Full of energy to go on an hour walk with dogs even after workout and little food. Content and ready for bed with ease. Bloat (sodium from the nuts…) Doubled water intake but could not get feeling of h20 satiety.

Wednesday: Same coffee, but no longer actually desiring it. Banana, super greens, vegan protein, kale, almond milk smoothie. Celery, banana, grapes, apple, mixed nuts. 1 Quest bar. Green tea, H20 H20 H20! Broccoli, kale, cucumber, almond milk, raw protein powder, super greens, cinnamon, banana, ginger smoothie: was nervous for this one but it tasted really GOOD! More nuts…not too many but I do have the munching problem in the evening…. I’ll be working on this. More water. Some baby dill pickles.

A.M.: More ambition and motivation with a feeling of ‘clean’ energy and pushed harder in the gym. Little appetite; more lightheaded during yoga but deeper meditation. Felt detoxed after morning smoothie. No afternoon lag.

P.M. My vision seems more acute, more sensitive to light and I feel more anxious to move around; a big foggy headed and unfocused but yet more apt to use problem solving skills, or ready to, at least. Feeling rather ready for bed, my head congestion is still here, but sore throat is gone from Monday. Missing my husband doesn’t count, does it? I need a Skype date to truly solidify whether these are legit… So, aside from the isolated whey in the protein bars, only eggs yesterday. I feel lighter, yes I wish I was already leaning out but I haven’t focused on that for once; my flexibility went up thanks to doing yoga everyday now!

Thursday: kale, blackberry, almond milk, raw protein powder, supergreens, spices smoothie; made double to drink before work and at lunch; Quest bar; mixed greens salad with red and green peppers, a sliced beet, nuts nuts nuts, oops, cherry tomatoes, typical dressing; pickles

A.M. Full of energy but bloated and constipated.

P.M. POUNDING headache, chills, exhausted.

Friday: strawberry, super greens, raw protein, beet leaf, almond milk and spices smoothie, quest bar, cauliflower, broccoli, carrots, and squash blend with hot sauce and olive oil; yogurt; mixed peppers with onions, small spoonful of black beans and small handful of corn tortilla

A.M. Oh my word, no headache, blasting with energy first thing and had the BEST workout I’ve had ina long time…extra energy even after LEG DAY, lifted heavy and faster than before with ease and seeming mental clarity during my lifts; more focused. Having cravings today that rolled over from yesterday a bit…family had pizza last night and I sniffed it haha but wasn’t too tempted, managed my cravings last night with pickles before bed and chugged water. Craving no sugar added frozen yogurt today…it’s the only dairy I’ll ever succumb to but trying to use up my veggies in the fridge but missing my bananas since I’m out now…Kinda spacey now, this afternoon, off to take paperwork up to the school and get my hair cut, hopefully no cravings come.

P.M. Had to kill some time before my cut and had my brother; we passed the frozen yogi place and he asked if he could get a little bowl, I said yes. I caved, myself. In my defense, although I don’t need one because I’m doing this for myself and making my own ‘rules’ whatever, as I was saying: I did way better than normal in there; as always, I only got a no-sugar added yogurt (vanilla and blueberry blend this time) but got the smallest bowl possible, whereas I normally go for the medium and fill it up, and didn’t even fill it up more than halfway and topped it with some shredded coconut and almonds, peanuts, pecans, walnuts. Felt slightly gassy and bloated about an hour after but not like normal. Chugged so much water before bed I felt bloated but energetic for the next day.

Saturday: Strawberry, almond milk, super greens, raw protein and spices smoothie, quest bar, mixed greens with green pepper, sunflower seeds, vinegar dressing, lemon, cherry tomatoes; handful potato chips, Udi’s gluten free choc chip cookies with almond milk,  sweet potato with brocc, caul, carrot mix and 1 veg. brown egg

A.M. Felt centered and started my day with yoga, but got thrown off because then went to bro’s bball game and felt ‘tight’ and clean energy but got depressed and tired on our way home; possibly due to the snow and lack of sun but ate my salad and drug myself to the gym and ended up having a great workout; my body def prefers morning workouts, though

P.M. Felt so cheerful and healthy minded, optimistic after workout and cannot remember why but wanted those gluten free cookies and sweet potato….maybe because I had already planned to cut out all processed food or starchier carb sources this week…? The sweet potatoes even made me swollen almost immediately and the cookies were not as satisfying as they would have been previously; almost ended up getting in that, “I’m bored”, mindset and depressed, which typically leads to mindless eating but instead dug deep to think more intuitively and realized I was craving fresh smoothies and fruit and crave that feeling of clean inside that changed so quickly with just a few items that were part of my everyday diet and for most people, do not bug them at all. I passed out watching Forks over Knives….as I am running out of the documentaries to watch.

Sunday: Finished off my sugar free peppermint mocha creamer in my last cup of coffee for at least a week, hopefully longer. I love coffee but pretty sure I drink it more for the warmth it gives me in the morning and perhaps a social matter. Broccoli, banana, avocado, almond milk, protein powder, beet root smoothie; apple, banana, grapes, nut butter with cinnamon; quest bar; spaghetti squash, cabbage, zucchini mix with olive oil

A.M. Awoke to a phone call from my amazing husband, which left me in a great mood, but Sundays are just so ugh in Ohio, I haven’t even been into my NFL teams all too much and I’m pretty sure that’s because I can only go to the gym between hours 1-5 and I’m working hard at keeping my training routine promise so while I can easily do a workout at home, I’m dedicated to that other aspect of my life and it interferes with other things annnnd of course, I have nothing to do around here except blog and create training programs for people; so, I just allow myself to be glum, I guess. I watched, The Heat, with brother bear though and it brought me up and made me laugh despite the dreary morning and headed out to the gym even feeling really full somehow from my fruits and veggies.

P.M. Super full from all the veggies but am deciding to go all raw for at least Monday-Wednesday and those veggies were going bad and I cannot stand letting paid food go to waste, so cooked it all, phew. Felt the endorphins after the workout, though, and stocked up on fresh kale, spinach, strawberries, blueberries, bananas, coconut milk to hold me over for the next three days. I felt like my face was less clear today, though, than earlier in the week…seriously, just from a few gluten free cookies, tiny bit of yogurt and sweet potatoes over the past few days…? Trying to wind down and show gratitude to my family tonight so I can head to bed early and get up early for my leg workout eaaaaaarly before work so I can start my all raw trial out great!

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For the next 3 days: only raw food personal challenge to myself.

(Below are written on Wednesday, you will understand why…)

Monday: bananas, blueberries, spinach, superfood greens, coconut water, unsweetened almond milk smoothie x3, green tea, bananas, strawberries, grapefruit, apple (I actually cannot recall 100% what was in my smoothies at the end of the day, due to complete brain fog and a headache)

A.M. My alarm went off late, so I couldn’t get to the gym prior to heading in for work but was energized because I was excited about what the day held. My energy and clarity was present and high until the afternoon after-school; I then had the onset of a massive headache. After that came the chills, the inability to think properly or really move, as I felt extremely weak.

P.M. Relay those feelings all night; I couldn’t even make it to the gym or my brother’s basketball game and even doing yoga was taunting…I watched a lot of Netflix and crashed.

Tuesday: strawberry, spinach, greens, coconut water smoothie; raw almonds; kale, yellow, orange, and green peppers, beets, and vinegar salad; kale, greens, raw protein powder, coco water, almond milk, lemon, banana smoothie.

A.M. I received a last minute wake-me-up phone call from the school asking me to work and I am still kicking myself for not just saying, “Yes”, but I still had the headache from the night prior and would’ve had to been showered, dressed (this means rummaging around my car and boxes for proper work attire), and out the door within a half-hour of the call. My body said, “No”. So, I got up sluggishly and planned my workout, drank my smoothie, went and had probably the most pitiful workout in a long time and couldn’t even manage post-workout yoga and accomplished almost nothing that I intended for the day: my OCD for organization was nowhere to be seen.  I also began to get extremely depressed, cried (rare for me) and started questioning everything in my life; I supplemented with Vitamin C, E, Echinacea, and Niacin herbals to help all these symptoms….”Food Matters” professionals show that we are all extremely deficient in vitamins so there is absolutely nothing to fear with an extra dose here or there, as we are taught to believe.

P.M. While eating my salad that seemed to take forever to create, I was honestly feeling glum still and told myself that I would keep this promise to myself and stop focusing so much on how I think this may not taste so delicious compared to umm me downing a jar of nut butter, perhaps. Instead, I didn’t watch TV, play on my computer, phone or talk to anyone. I sat in silence with my rainbow of a salad and thoughtfully ate each piece, savoring the flavors of nature and envisioning how it was nourishing my body and healing me from the inside out. I have to say that I probably could not have done this, as I often eat a mix thoughtful but mindless, as in I eat healthy food and get nutrients in but have let go of my slow eating habits that will help keep me satisfied more without just taking in any food I put in front of me. I also can attest that my daily yoga practices, mixing up the routines and instructors are allowing me to truly become more centered and grateful. Yoga teaches you to move and breathe with a purpose and dedicate our practice, while showing gratitude in all that we do; it was a revelation and an affirmation of this practice when I was able to do this during my meal.  I drank my smoothie at the dinner table, with my little brother tempting me to eat his homemade, delicious looking baked potato fries but I reminded him that I made a promise to myself that I would do this for my health and mental well-being and denied him, ohhhhhh! Luckily, we had Aidan’s basketball game to keep my mind busy and my headache was slowly going away, but it was surely cold and even more so for me it seemed. I was constipated this day, though, whereas on Monday I was flushed out.

(Note: I need to have my OWN kitchen so that I can whip out kitchen tools, buy more than just what fits in addition to my family’s food right now and get creative on these raw dishes!)

Wednesday: banana, spinach, strawberry, blueberry, raw protein, coconut water, almond milk, ginger, cinnamon, ice smoothie; ¼ cantaloupe, 1 orange, 3 strawberries, 1 banana with cinnamon; raw almonds; kale, broccoli, coco water, almond milk, small portion of raw protein powder, supergreens, mixed greens, blueberries smoothie, spices; ¼ cantaloupe

A.M. Finally woke up with barely any headache but was slow to rise. It was technically a day off from lifting but I didn’t have work so I knew my body would thank me for getting to the gym. I ended up wanting to do mostly cardio but once I got in there, decided I would switch it up and do something that hasn’t been in my routine for a while: running and lifting for endurance. So, basically, I did a Crossfit style workout but it felt great to run a steady pace; it’s bizarre because I love to run but have not for so long because I am up North now and it’s not possible where my family lives to run outdoors and, the neighborhood crime is up, as well. I cannot wait to get back down to the South so that I can get some fresh, open air in the warmth! I started to get spacey again when I got back, but being drenched even more than normal in sweat was an amazing feeling and reminder of my journey; my yoga was great and I felt the high from my practice once again!

P.M.  Well, I’m writing this presently at just after 1600 and without being too nasty, I have to say I have only had the first two meals that are listed (the rest are planned for tonight) and for some reason am urinating every 15 minutes and have gas like crazy! (I am actually nervous about the fiber packed smoothie I have planned for dinner…. Oh and I usually do urinate A LOT, but it is clear and I have drank a lot of water, but not any more than normal.) When looking in the mirror today, I do feel like my skin looks more alive. I have battled with acne in different ways for over 10 years and have discolored, red skin, mostly on my face (not to mention, the mustache and out of control eyebrows), so for me to feel comfortable without cover up or powder on outside is a step in the right direction. It’s this overload of nutrients, I’m assuming! Now, I do not wear makeup everywhere I go, but am almost always self-conscious about people seeing me with blotchy skin. I am taking my brother to another bball game tonight and am hoping to pop in to Vitamin Shoppe and pick up more Apple Cider Vinegar-with the Mother and a glass of GT’s Kombucha, if they have it-yumm! Because I am taking each moment of my day with more ease and thinking out more thoroughly, I cannot say I have planned out where I am going from here, as in even tomorrow, yet and perhaps I will contemplate as I lay in bed tonight but the remainder of the day is still to be enjoyed and fulfilled whole-heartedly.

A rough idea of what I will continue with: incorporate a green smoothie everyday (with larger amounts of green over fruits per meal); have at least 2 completely raw meals each day; when I cook vegetables, only lightly steam them to prevent loss of nutrients; maintain no animal products and seek out alternate sources of protein; keep the majority of grains and coffee out; add in more cardio to my training routine, as I feel; try a new fruit or vegetable each week and a new method of cardio; make sure I meditate or do full yoga practice for at least 10 minutes each day; eat with more thought on how each bite is either helping or hurting my health.

In the holiday hurricane.

Rather than delving into juicy details of my personal life and how I am still living on an air mattress, couch, or just crashing on my dogs, I’ll take this post to cover a topic we all seem to shutter at for one reason or another: the holidays. So, Thanksgiving has already passed and to touch on that briefly, I have to state that my optimism on my willpower was low the days preceding this day. First, my family has typical drama and places many obligations on me to dote on everyone, on top of carving time for my in-laws an hour and a half away, topped with the stress I feel just thinking of what types of food may come across my path and how I am going to battle balancing out healthy and not-so-healthy. Well, long story short, I did not even end up celebrating Thanksgiving this year! Ha! The day came and went, I had a few depressed days but believe that was due to the cold and this dreary Ohio weather and external factors rather than feelings of emptiness, even with my husband being deployed during every holiday. Now, since then I have been eating according to my goals but perhaps just truly realized an aspect of my PCOS that I had thought was just me being lazy and noncommittal: I am OCD and the only way I don’t crave sugar and carbohydrates is by being relatively ‘strict’.

I explain this because I will feel renewed and full of energy after many straight days of eating just whole, organic, real food with absolutely nothing processed and then I’m on the road or making cookies to send my husband and think I can handle just having one, right?! Wrong! I seriously want to start kicking and screaming (that’s what I literally feel like inside) when I have these days. One cookie or slip in diet leads me to crave carbohydrates. Now, I’m not talking necessarily cakes, cookies, chips, etc., I’m talking complex carbohydrates, like sweet potatoes, oatmeal, gluten-free cereals, and well-I’m always craving natural nut butter; I must note that I only buy products that are under 6g of sugar, as well, so it’s not like these are high sugar items. So, I end up feeling like a mad crazy, chunka-munk of a woman raiding the kitchen, like I cannot get enough of my ‘crack’. How did I think that was normal before or just that I should be ‘punished’ for going off my diet? Please, someone correct me if I’m wrong, but from what I’ve researched with PCOS-friendly nutrition and insulin sensitivity, eating complex carbohydrates are typically easy on us, of course within proper portion sizes. With that said, I have now recognized that, 1. I have been over-complicating my diet in order to obtain my thin physique that I had only several months ago and 2. I need to make a plan and have accountability partners because my family does not (and I do not expect them to) understand the impact certain foods have on my body.

With several holidays currently running and coming up quickly, how can we fight the holiday hurricane of sugar and whacked out insulin and bloating while feeling strong and triumphant over our symptoms? Do you talk with your families and friends about your symptoms? It is inevitable that we will be subject to foods that do not agree with our bodies, especially during the holidays and that not everyone will support our whole, organic, or healthier options because, as some family members often claim, I’m, “obsessed, a protein monster, not fun, too serious”. Instead of succumbing to that one little bite or negative responses that we know will lead us down a destructive path (at least within our minds, if not being like me raiding the jar of nut butter), how can we focus our holidays around doing something other than just eating? I’d like to challenge each of us to pick a new activity or inspire a diverse conversation during a holiday event to prevent the temptation of food and perhaps even educate those around us on something they do not know. To close, I would like to highlight one little tip that I’ve researched and found to be beneficial: at least once a day, if not at each meal (esp. with carbohydrates or sugars), drink a shot of apple cider vinegar in order to assist with glucose utilization.

I have created a group within our Community entitled, “Life out PCOS”, and I encourage everyone to come over and join in the discussion and support one another in a journey for fitness and health!

@aura_Sklenicka

Note: This blog technically belongs to the organization, PCOS Awareness Association, as it's original version is posted within that site's Blog.

What pre-dep leave can do to you...

...a.k.a. make you 'fluffy'. Yes, I could have easily worked my willpower against the evils of dining out, but I have been learning to take the punches and roll with them to make the best out of them. 1. I might have had several days of food that I would not recommend as a PCOS-friendly diet (too much starchy carbs and lack of portion control) but the difference between my mindset now versus the past is that in the past I would've continued to say, "Oh, tomorrow I'll be back on a strict diet"....and then pig out past my satiated point and the rollercoaster diet cycle ensues. Now, I'll eat a few bites of this naughty food and stop before I feel like I can't get off the couch (I envision myself here with a prego size belly not able to get up without rolling around like a 2 legged dog; I'm weird, whatever...and no I'm not dogging on pregnant ladies, geez even though I don't want kids now, someday I'll be wishing I was rolling around with a babe inside of me when I can't....I like ... & italics today, can you tell? Oh yeah, and my grammar and sentence structure sucks today; ADD day I suppose.) Anyhoo, moral of that story: Yes, I gained some water weight and fat but I made sure I was staying consistent with lifting or working out whenever possible even though pre-deployment has entailed being away from my home, my routines, my house being upside down with projects, and trying to make my husband as relaxed as possible before he has to reside in a living version of Hell again in the coming months. Mind you, he is going to miss football season, big holidays, and birthdays yet again this year; so we are celebrating early, right?!
With that said, I knew after 1 week of this 'carefree' attitude that I was ready to get back on the ball more hardcore and focus back solely on nutrients that my body loooooves. Well, my body must have enjoyed that break because my body is responding better than ever, high intensity lifting sessions, added in some TRX training at home, a slight bit of running to build my endurance back up and cycling my carbs a bit. (One day low, one day moderate, one day high; this isn't an end all-be all approach, it just helps me reduce cravings in the long run if I know I can look forward to more varied food choices the following day.) My muscles look more full and I feel great. I did take a week off of the Metformin when my prescription was up to remember, or really truly recognize, if it was assisting me and I have to admit that the week of not so good food didn't really add the aforementioned 'fluff' until I went off my pills. Disclaimer: I'm purposely took this break so that I don't become dependent on a medication to make me feel less fluffy, but I could definitely tell the insulin spikes were back slightly when off of the medication. I wasn't going to continue with it but had a follow-up with the doc and informed her that I finally lost the negative side effects (mentioned in the last post) so we decided to just see if the positive response ensues for the next few months. I have been back on it for a day and feel amazing thus far; fingers crossed I don't publish this then get nauseous and narcoleptic again...

So, for all you readers that may have those times similar to my pre-deployment celebratory eating, don't forget to stay consistent and listen to your body when it tells you no more. I have found that because PCOS can easily relay into depression for various reasons, when I don't eat PCOS-friendly to a 'T' I only get depressed when I am eating out of emotional disturbance, to clear my mind of thoughts, and truly if I let my mind get the best of me. Never quit, just keep on trucking and never view something as a 'negative', even if it is outside of your norm; just make everything a positive.

Are all my posts sounding too similar...? I'll switch up the next one to something radical, I promise.

Take time to connect.

....and not online! I've gotten comments on my social media & BodySpace pages about being absent from posting in the past month. Reason #1 is truth: I was feeling insecure about the changes going on with my body. It's extremely difficult not to compare ourselves to others, or even what we once looked like. At the end of the day, though, only we can really tell the physical changes (because we nit-pick) and typically what we see of others is altered in some fashion. I was upset with myself for feeling this way because I felt like a hypocrite, trying to promote inner beauty and confidence to other women (and now some very impressionable teenage girls) but yet was allowing myself to hide. Aside from my insecurities, I also have been resting and sleeping....a lot. While I miss working to no end, at this point, I feel blessed to a point that I had the option to rest when my body needed to; which is a lot on these medications. (Reference previous post.) After the initial 2 weeks of really getting adjusted to the new meds, I do feel like I have a handle on them for the most part. I revert back to symptoms of fatigue, nausea and dizziness if I don't eat enough food with them; which is actually hard because my taste buds are way off. Anyway, I do think they are assisting in my insulin levels, for sure. When I'm not drained and eating at proper intervals with them, I recognize a consistent level of energy, rather than prior instances of spikes and crashes. It may help that I have not had a taste for starchy carbohydrates, (or any, really) either. While I have always tried to keep my diet gluten-free and avoid those carbs that will send my body out of whack, we are all human and enjoy something different for time to time. The past month, my husband was away training, and being in the military, oftentimes he goes through a period where he'll have a hankering for restaurant food because he is deprived of food choices on a daily basis.
With that said, I had my first experience with pizza in a long time. Normally after one slice, I feel bloated, hyper then tired, and retain a lot of water the following day; my body does not like dairy and cheese, as that's recommended for almost all with PCOS (to at least not overdo the consumption, obv.). I hadn't been able to eat all day because well, every time I make a smoothie or salad lately, I can't finish it without feeling grossed out. Bizarre. Anyhoo, he had a few pieces the other night and I was not tempted whatsoever (that's a first!) but eventually got hungry and took a few bites....then the whole slice...and he asked me how I felt. Amazingly, not the same as before; so, my silly husband bugged me to eat the other one (Is he trying to fatten me up yo?! No, his claim is that he never sees me indulge and he knows how mental PCOS is for me in 'not being normal'...eff that, we are a special kind of normal!) So, I did...and guess what, it was like I never had pizza at all! I woke up the next morning still with ab definition, (I didn't mention, I've been leaning back out slowly) if not more than the day before! So, I always see fellow bodybuilders bragging about this, doing IIFYM (If it fits your macros), and at least getting to carb cycle and get super jealous because all those approaches don't work so hot for me but I finally got where they are coming from the day after an 'off' meal.. (I don't like the word 'cheat', it is dirty and presents the opportunity for guilt.)
To sum it up: Metformin, you must be doing the trick yo; you have mean side effects and I am not sure how long I will take your daily grumpiness, but thank you for that little moment. If anything, having that moment made me appreciate, even more, the hard work we put into a PCOS-friendly diet, exercising, and practicing meditation. I have always wondered how my body would really respond to my bodybuilding lifestyle if it was 'normal' and I suppose maybe I had a glimpse of that and it was validation of willpower, determination, and greater respect for all the other ladies out there dealing with PCOS. There is no cure, but we can know that every step in the right direction makes us more powerful from the inside-out.
To finish off: the title of my post was intended to describe the time I have been resting, I have taken that time to reconnect with my spirituality on a deeper level and am reflecting through prayer and reading, as well as self-introspection on how I can become a better person for myself, my husband, my family, friends, even those on social media. You never know whose day you may change with the smallest action or word.

First PCOS Tip of the Day!

PCOS Tip of the Day

Apple Cider Vinegar: with the ‘Mother’ has many proven health benefits for everyone and has been especially helpful in reducing my personal PCOS symptoms of acne, bloating, insulin spikes (when taken around higher carbohydrate or sugar intake) and lessened IBS, just to name a few! 

To start my day off on the right foot, I take a shot with a pinch of cayenne pepper spice and it is DELICIOUS as a dressing substitute!

Click here to read further information on the benefits of Organic ACV, straight from medical professionals!