What pre-dep leave can do to you...

...a.k.a. make you 'fluffy'. Yes, I could have easily worked my willpower against the evils of dining out, but I have been learning to take the punches and roll with them to make the best out of them. 1. I might have had several days of food that I would not recommend as a PCOS-friendly diet (too much starchy carbs and lack of portion control) but the difference between my mindset now versus the past is that in the past I would've continued to say, "Oh, tomorrow I'll be back on a strict diet"....and then pig out past my satiated point and the rollercoaster diet cycle ensues. Now, I'll eat a few bites of this naughty food and stop before I feel like I can't get off the couch (I envision myself here with a prego size belly not able to get up without rolling around like a 2 legged dog; I'm weird, whatever...and no I'm not dogging on pregnant ladies, geez even though I don't want kids now, someday I'll be wishing I was rolling around with a babe inside of me when I can't....I like ... & italics today, can you tell? Oh yeah, and my grammar and sentence structure sucks today; ADD day I suppose.) Anyhoo, moral of that story: Yes, I gained some water weight and fat but I made sure I was staying consistent with lifting or working out whenever possible even though pre-deployment has entailed being away from my home, my routines, my house being upside down with projects, and trying to make my husband as relaxed as possible before he has to reside in a living version of Hell again in the coming months. Mind you, he is going to miss football season, big holidays, and birthdays yet again this year; so we are celebrating early, right?!
With that said, I knew after 1 week of this 'carefree' attitude that I was ready to get back on the ball more hardcore and focus back solely on nutrients that my body loooooves. Well, my body must have enjoyed that break because my body is responding better than ever, high intensity lifting sessions, added in some TRX training at home, a slight bit of running to build my endurance back up and cycling my carbs a bit. (One day low, one day moderate, one day high; this isn't an end all-be all approach, it just helps me reduce cravings in the long run if I know I can look forward to more varied food choices the following day.) My muscles look more full and I feel great. I did take a week off of the Metformin when my prescription was up to remember, or really truly recognize, if it was assisting me and I have to admit that the week of not so good food didn't really add the aforementioned 'fluff' until I went off my pills. Disclaimer: I'm purposely took this break so that I don't become dependent on a medication to make me feel less fluffy, but I could definitely tell the insulin spikes were back slightly when off of the medication. I wasn't going to continue with it but had a follow-up with the doc and informed her that I finally lost the negative side effects (mentioned in the last post) so we decided to just see if the positive response ensues for the next few months. I have been back on it for a day and feel amazing thus far; fingers crossed I don't publish this then get nauseous and narcoleptic again...

So, for all you readers that may have those times similar to my pre-deployment celebratory eating, don't forget to stay consistent and listen to your body when it tells you no more. I have found that because PCOS can easily relay into depression for various reasons, when I don't eat PCOS-friendly to a 'T' I only get depressed when I am eating out of emotional disturbance, to clear my mind of thoughts, and truly if I let my mind get the best of me. Never quit, just keep on trucking and never view something as a 'negative', even if it is outside of your norm; just make everything a positive.

Are all my posts sounding too similar...? I'll switch up the next one to something radical, I promise.

Confessions of an Under-eater and Overachiever

A back porch, sunshine on my face, Blender Bottle full of BCAAs sweating from the heat, but a cool breeze of the wind blowing my hair out of my face; what more could a lady ask for? This is me in this moment. Instead of being grateful for the little things in life, I found myself throwing yet another pity party for how stuffed and fluffy I feel. Regardless of my intense leg workout this morning, I still find myself feeling guilty over consuming appropriate amounts of nutrition to gain muscle (hence the title of this entry). After losing an initial mass weightloss over the span of several years, I truly began focusing on only consuming unprocessed foods about 1.5 years ago and it has all been trial and error. This was about the time I discovered what Bodybuilding.com had to offer and researching every bit I could into PCOS and how I should be eating to truly lean out. Mind you, I had thought that I put on a good portion of muscle mass, simply by picking up a weight. My problem: inconsistency with one regimen. Yes, I believe that the body needs to have variety or it will no longer see results, but I’m talking trying absolutely every training program and ‘diet’ out in BroScience land and Endocrinology research websites, trying to strike a balance between being a bodybuilder and living with a hormonal imbalance-atypical of most bodybuilding regimes.

Despite my rambling, I have a point regarding my headline:

After finally completing my first (all-the-way through…not half-assed) 12-week challenge through Bodybuilding.com/BodySpace, I felt AMAZING! I was seeing abs that I had worked so hard for but had never actually seen, but I couldn’t fight the fact that I had not really changed all that much in a 12-week span regardless of the max effort I put in. So, I took a few weeks to decrease my cardio slightly but still lifted in heavy circuits, because I was not about to lose those abs! Well, sure enough, even with clean eating and limited indulgences, my abs were *poof* gone in an instant. I’m still working on figuring out if it’s my sensitivity to carbs or just the fact that my body fat percentage was not low enough. Several weeks after the challenge ended, I was approached in the gym by an older gentleman that recognized my dedication in the gym and volunteered his time to coach me for an upcoming figure show debut. Awesome, right?! It seemed that way for the first few weeks. I was getting my butt kicked but I loved that he said I was eating the right foods and portion sizes and said I would never max out over 1 hour of cardio-ever. (Annoying buzzer sound, here!) Well, sure enough, even me explaining my PCOS to him, he realized I wasn’t dropping weight like ‘most people’ would for the hours of training and food restrictions; so instead of listening to my input of trying high-intensity sprint intervals, he increased my cardio and pretty soon my life was all consumed with this and I soon became miserable. To make a long story short, I got news that a medical surgery took precedence over the show and the coach turned out to be ummm-unprofessional, to say the least- so after intense calorie restriction and all day gym sessions I was left having to have surgery and told to stay out of the gym for several weeks. Oh goody. Despite my long, leisurely walks with my husband and still doing some light cardio when I wasn’t in pain and of course, eating at a calorie deficit; I managed to gain weight right back. During this time I watched one too many of Dr. Layne Norton’s Youtube videos and read up on other bodybuilders and fitness professionals-with scientific degrees- on how to properly treat your body without destroying your mind and body, as I was doing. You see, when I am told to follow a plan, I follow it to a ‘T’, I execute everything with the mindset that it needs to be perfect and if I do not achieve what I envisioned, my psychological state begins to suffer. (PCOS women, you know all too well the cycle of stress from additional cortisol and quick onset of depression. REMEMBER: Stress will only make the fat cling and do NOT let your mind control your happiness!) When I added up how much I was eating on that prep prior to my surgery, I was down to ~800 calories/day, all of chicken, asparagus, and egg whites. Prior to that major deficit, I always thought it was recommended that I stay below 1200 calories/day to lose. Well, if you’re always trying to LOSE, eventually you have no further place to go and your body fights with you to maintain homeostasis. Putting this in perspective: I have been eating under 1200 calories/day (with the exception of family gatherings, holidays, or the occasional treat meal) for the past ummm, I’d say 3 years. Yes, that worked to get initial weight off, but I don’t know how I thought I could ever gain muscle size or cut when I have no surplus to cut from!

Back to me, sitting here fluffy and stuff… Over the past week being back in the gym I have been focusing on lifting some heavy @$$ weight and slowly increased my calories. Even my carbs. I still cannot manage to look in the mirror without being sad about lost abs or the feeling that I cannot stomach the amount of food I should be consuming to put on muscle, but my intent is to be able to stand this amount of food without putting on an excess amount of fat, so that when I do incorporate cardio again (no 2 hour sessions, I’ll be doing sprint intervals, sport activities, and yoga) I have a number to cut down from and know how to properly balance my intake to cut slowly. Perhaps I will utilize BB.com’s Cellucor challenge to lean out a bit so I feel more comfortable at the beach but nothing crazy and I’m pretty sure we’re looking at some muscle gains when my husband deploys again in the fall. I will never subject myself to an unhealthy way of life that only permits rebounds, poor self-esteem, or eating disorders. As much as it pains me not to feel comfortable yet in my bikini on the beach, living in Coastal Carolina, I know it will pay off in the long run. And, hey, my doctor said I shouldn’t be exposing myself to the bacteria from the sand and ocean yet, anyway; backyard kiddie pool with the pups, here I go!

Never forgo your happiness for an extrinsic motivator. Dig deep and know that you truly cannot succeed for long-term until you have intrinsic motivation and a deeper purpose to lead a healthy, balanced life.