Clarity.

Finding clarity.

Whether or not you have PCOS, it can be rather easy to succumb to the feelings of anxiety and depression in the fast-paced, money-driven, obligatory world that we live. First, feelings of stress and anxiety raise cortisol levels. Which, in turn, cause our bodies to respond in ‘fight or flight’, thus storing fat…aka stress hormones are a huge reason women that diet and exercise cannot lose fat, especially around the midsection. Secondly, if you stop and take a minute to step back from your anxious thoughts, you may question, “Why the hell do I even care?”.

Aside from amenorrhea, I have to say that my feelings of being anxious are my worst symptom of PCOS. Honestly, it doesn’t help that my ‘calm’ (my husband) is always deployed. When we are in the groove and he is home, he knows my triggers and works through it with me and makes me laugh, takes meditative walks with me and the dogs, and reminds me that there is absolutely nothing in this world worth stressing over so much that I cannot function. What is your ‘calm’?

Well, lately, this has been me: preparing for a long-ass move down to Texas with the dogs and more money being spent, starting a new life, being afraid of change (but yet loving the idea of it!), fearful of failing, being scared of success, even and feeling overwhelmed with meeting everyone’s expectations, spending enough time with certain people, losing the fat that I’ve gained in the past few months of ‘bulking’ (there better be as much damn muscle under there as I think, given my dedication) and still struggling to meet a healthy relationship with food. Do you find yourself indecisive? This is the one quality in myself that I have been working on extensively and deeply since last summer. It frustrates me and I have now come to realize that I do it due to my feelings of fear. Funny thing? When I step back from all those negative feelings, I realize that I have accomplished a lot and that my self-worth should not be viewed as, nor determined, by how I look on the outside or how much money I can make. Since these two topics seem to revolve in my life, I have to remember that I started lifting and living healthy to be just that: healthy!

I wanted to cure my PCOS naturally and yes, look amazing. I think my big trigger toward negativity came when I chose to compete in bodybuilding shows because since then I have been back on that negative relationship. Being told that I have to eat certain foods that trigger my symptoms just in order to utilize the beautiful suit I purchased and stress about getting that perfect v-taper down, somewhere I lost why I began. That stress set me back from where I came; I remember a year ago I was starting the Bodybuilding.com transformation challenge; I had already come a long way in my journey but did want to have more visible muscle but guess what? I never stopped loving myself and felt amazing eating intuitively and yes, clean, healthy PCOS friendly foods and dissed any ‘coach’ that told me what to eat….how the hell did I lose that happy feeling of being free to do with my body what I want? With that said, I have chosen to reduce that stressor from my path at the moment. I may sell my beautiful suit to even just get that out of my mind and I can bet you that I will probably be back down in weight and a healthy relationship with food and yes-probably-wanting to compete by this summer but I cannot have that as my sole reason anymore. I totally digressed, though, but I have realized how much I allow this to consume my life. Guess what? I took my little brother to the gym with me today after eating froyo (totally made me bloated, and I wouldn’t recommend but I’m leaving him soon so we went out after his bball game and I didn’t beat myself up) but I went through my planned leg routine while he bounced around, spotted me some, and we were silly, went to play bball upstairs and I felt that freedom high again. I have not stopped loving the gym but I prefer to be a free spirit and do what feels good in the moment when it comes to the leisure aspects of my life.

Now, in the other aspect: $.... I almost forgot why I love being in the classroom: if I can end my day knowing that I have influenced at least one person, student, in a positive way that day then I have succeeded. It will be a rough year with my husband leaving the Marine Corps and that is why I feel the pressure of saving, saving, saving, but oh yea, GUESS WHAT? There is always going to be somewhere where we are going to spend our money and I have faith that my hard work ethic and ambition to succeed (and my hub’s amazing dedication) will lead us directly where we need to be in life, when we need to be there. We cannot jump to the future and I do not want to be living each day just hoping to get to the next because that is not true living. Now, this was super-stressing me out yesterday, on top of having to count my macros….which is another aspect that actually makes me run the other way of dieting; I guess I don’t do well with restrictions placed on me but I’m cool making them on myself.

You know that feeling when all of a sudden you feel like your heart is going to pump out of your chest, your thoughts get confused, and you question everything going on in your life, even your current actions? I’m getting anxious just thinking of it. It makes me want to scream, cry, hide, and eat, or possibly puke. Just being honest. Depending on the circumstance, this happens less or more; not the point. Since I don’t have my ‘calm’, what do I now rely on? Yoga or meditation. In the past, I would go online and track others’ lives via social media, as if that would make me feel better…? No, not. Comparison makes it worse. Yoga is a general practice for me but I am newly trying meditation, in itself, aside from my yoga practice. Oh, my word. You will feel renewed. Well, last night, I knew I needed clarity. Period. I needed to sift out all the negative junk in my brain and realize the positive, bountiful spirit within myself that is capable of anything and in control of my feelings. I will not let my hormones dictate my happiness. After searching, ‘meditation for clarity’, I found this amazing YouTube video; take the time, focus inward, do the poses and forget about any pain, cry it out if you need to but enjoy the experience. And, I am finished rambling for now. Please, find time this weekend to meditate. You will thank me (I hope)! J